thinking big: feminism, media, and pop culture

A Rock Explains the 2012 Oscar Nominations

In Uncategorized on January 24, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Sarah Todd and Rock

Like many humans, I live under a rock. But it’s a small rock with spotty but nonetheless existent wi-fi. I saw 2 of the 9 movies nominated for best picture this year. By hardcore rock-living standards, that is 2 too many. For an authentically stone-faced appraisal of this year’s Oscar nominations, I turned to an actual rock to help explain what these movies are all about, based strictly on their titles and geological intuition. Ladies and gentleman, Rose Byrne.

(No, I’m kidding! I love Rose Byrne forever because of Bridesmaids, I’m just still thinking about Damages and how she doesn’t have any facial expressions on that show. But you know what, that’s her acting choice to make and her hair is so shiny.)

Here is just a regular rock to tell you what’s what. Rock is a million years old and it likes sitting and it’s scared of chisels.

Best picture

“The Artist”

A man with a beret refuses to get a real job, blames his parents for all of his problems, and makes his significant other miserable. Penelope Cruz plays somebody the whole audience likes better, yet the movie is inexplicably not about her.

“Midnight in Paris”

A horror film set in the days before smartphones, in which two hungry tourists waste a whole night in the City of Light trying to find a particular restaurant that actually closed years ago. In the end they split a pretty decent street crepe… of blood.

“War Horse”

A horse wears knight’s armor like in the olden days (which are not that old to me since I’m a rock and all) and probably dies a thousand times before the movie’s even over. No way I’m seeing this one. Even rocks have our limits.

“The Descendants”

Dystopian flick about the tree-house-dwelling great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren of Benjamin Franklin, who are trying to overthrow the wild turkeys who have taken over the White House.

“Moneyball”

Waaaa duck, it’s a big wad of money coming at your face! I like the sound of this one.

“The Tree of Life”

Steven Spielburg had like ten movies this year, right? Probably this is one of them. Yeah, like an El Dorado-style quest, but the twist is it turns out the tree just grows name-brand cereal.

“Hugo”

A sweeping biopic about the life of Victor Hugo, starring Jeremy Irons as the hunchback narrator, who as it turns out was a real historical figure dude.

“Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close”

Just somebody’s face really close to the camera, Blair Witch-style? Or maybe a punk rock documentary.

“The Help”

Wouldn’t it be ridiculous if this movie were like, some white-washed self-congratulatory version of the civil rights movement? No, that’s not it. I guess it’s probably about a Roomba.

“Rocky”

A stunning motion picture about unsung heroes. [Ed: Rock, I don’t think this movie is about what you think it’s about. Also it came out in 1976.] Time, what is time?

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