Gossip Girl’s Georgina Sparks (Michelle Trachtenberg) is one of my favorite television villains. We first met Georgina at Constance where once upon a time she was best friends (albeit briefly) with Serena (Blake Lively). These days their relationship, like all of Georgina’s, is fraught at best and enemies at worst. In earlier episodes of the series, Georgina drank too much; hid a man’s death after he died in her and Serena’s presence (something I think she blackmailed Serena about and perhaps also the beginning of the end of their friendship); and convinced Dan he was the father of her child and then abandoned said child (by the by Dan is not the father). Then, Blair exiled Georgina to Russia, which was after Georgina had found God and promptly gotten kicked out of her God-camp, perhaps also at the hands of Blair. And, most recently Georgina ruined Blair’s wedding to Louis. In fact, one of the reasons I think I like Georgina so much, besides that she is hilarious, is that she makes a good rival for Blair as she is perhaps almost as good a schemer.
This season Georgina returned to New York married to a supposedly rich yet not so bright man, Philip, with her child Milo, and on a new mission to stir up trouble on the Upper East Side. And just this week it seems that she was successful. Indeed, Georgina did declare quite happily that it appears that she has just taken “down the entire Upper East side.” We’ve celebrated many wonderful characters and actresses in the “how to be awesome columns,” thus, I thought it was perhaps time to celebrate a good old TV villainess. So, while you might not want to be awesome like Georgina, after all, she is a little evil, here are some tips of things to avoid should you want to stay far away from the villainy behavior that defines Georgina Sparks.
1) Seduce your supposed best friend’s crush and pretend you are someone else. Oh poor young naïve Dan Humphrey. Later, convince Dan that you’ve had his baby with a fake paternity test.
2) End your unforeseen bought with religion and faith with this line: “You can tell Jesus, the bitch is back.”
3) Secretly hack into the Gossip Girl website, taking up Gossip Girl’s abandoned post. Hope that it will be everything evil that you imagined it to be. But then realize that to maintain the GG site comes far too close to a real job for your taste and means you have to be at your computer all the time (like the rest of us lowly employed mortals).
4) Ditch your job as the faux Gossip Girl, a position you have handled with conniving and some evil, as you declare that you feel far too much like a stay at home mom. In a rather snotty, yet sarcastic, tone convey to your stay at home husband, Philip, that this is the worst thing ever and would he be please take over GG for the evening (after he has clearly made and brought you breakfast, which you don’t eat).
5) Always be prepared to go out on the town. In order to do this like Georgina, be sure to wear smashing little black dresses underneath giant sweaters that you would only wear in your house. Also, always spend your time at home in full makeup and heels. That way, you are always prepared to hit your favorite bar at the drop of the hate, or as Georgina did this week crash a wake.
6) Marry for money and treat your poor husband, Philip in this case, like your servant. When in this marriage, be sure to never have sex and always look miffed at the proposition, and then always get out of it.
7) Firmly believe that causing trouble is your raison d’etre. Everything Georgina does (save for that brief time where she found Jesus) is aimed at being destructive and stirring the pot. Sometimes, Georgina does bad things in the name of revenge and sometimes she does them just because she thinks it’s fun.
8) Be good at disguises and name changes: for example, blonde wigs and giant sunglasses and occasionally call yourself Sarah.
9) Be sure people owe you favors so that one day you can collect, which helps you maintain your evil NYC empire. I am quite sure that making a deal with Georgina is equivalent to making a deal with the Upper East Side devil, and I am rather worried for Blaire, who most recently struck up one of these very deals. The moral of this story is, never let Georgina do you a favor.
10) Be confident in the fact that you are a liar and that everyone thinks you are a liar. Indeed, recently acknowledging this, Georgina said to Blair: “I know no one believes a word a say, but you were just collateral damage.” Oops. But, at least, she’s self-aware. Which is more than I can say for a plethora of other GG characters (I’m looking at you Serena).
11) And perhaps most importantly, execute all your terrible deeds with a somewhat evil smile on your face and hilarious one-liners. Oh Georgina, you are so witty (even if you use your wit for evil).
If you don’t want to be evil like Georgina Sparks, I highly recommend avoiding all things mentioned above. But, if you should find yourself desperately in need of some social sabotage a la Upper East Side, she is probably your go to girl. Just beware that while she is my favorite TV villain, she is most certainly still a villain and in real life I am quite sure we would not be friends.