As a Tolkien ignoramus, I watched The Hobbit in a haze of appreciative semi-confusion. I thought the goblins were orcs. I thought Thorin was the same person as Thrain in the flashbacks. I couldn’t follow what-all Elron and Galadriel were going on about, although whether that was because they were being ethereally boring or because I was distracted by hair-envy on both counts is up for debate. “What do dragons want with gold anyway?” I whispered to my friend S., who explained that they liked to bathe in it, which: with that kind of conspicuous consumption, no wonder they went the way of Marie Antoinette.
I emerged from the movie certain of only two things. First, I want a pet hedgehog and I will call it Sebastian. Second, I know exactly who I would date, who I would marry, and who I would dump.
Dwarves are short, grumbly types who are very good at choreographing rowdy “Be Our Guest”-style kitchen clean-ups, rocking that 80s hair band look, and eating entire wheels of cheese–men after my own heart. (Also, are there any girl dwarves? Is there just one, Smurfette style?) But while they are very cuddly, it became clear, watching them barge into poor Bilbo’s round-doored cottage one by one, that most of them are not ultra-romantically-attractive in the conventional sense. Attractive to me, I mean! A lid for every pot, etc.
But then The Hobbit threw me a curveball. Two curveballs, as a matter of fact, by the names of Fili and Kili:
“There are the cute dwarves,” I whispered to my neighbor, who agreed, particularly about the skinny dark-haired one on the right. But then. THEN! There’s a last knock at the door. “He is here,” Gandalf says dramatically. And a moment later we all understand why Gandalf was being all OMG-my-crush-just-walked-into-the-high-school-dance, because look at this face:
That is one hot dwarf! Thorin, son of Thrain who is not Thrain, is the ideal temporary boyfriend. He’s broody and tortured and magnetic in a way that is very exciting and also not so great in terms of choosing a healthy and stable life partner who will provide emotional support when your company downsizes and bring you soup when you are sick. His smoldering gaze says, “I’ll take you to Paradise City, but I won’t take you to a ball game with my dad because HE’S DEAD REVENGE IS MINE.” And you’re like, “Oookay I like your ambition and you give good bear hugs but I don’t know if this drama is worth it, and also I feel like you care more about killing the big white orc than you care about me.” Also he’s clearly got mad trust issues, as evidenced in how he is constantly assuming that Bilbo has deserted Team Dwarf for good, and even though he is always wrong he keeps yelling at him. So: Would I date Thorin? I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from dating that bearded fur-clad dreamboat. Would I marry him? Yes, probably if we were in Vegas or something, because THOSE EYES, but we would have to get it annulled in the morning.
Bilbo Baggins is the total package. He gardens. He’s playful and witty and self-deprecating. When he’s traveling, he misses his books. And even though he’s sometimes scared, he always chooses adventure over dull comfort and loyalty over self-preservation. Also he is played by Tim from the British Office, so I had some built-in goodwill for this brave hobbit. He pities Gollum: he’s compassionate! He always carries a handkerchief: so classy! I would marry Bilbo in a heartbeat, and we could keep his furniture, because I even like his decorating style.
Nothing turns a woman off faster than poor personal hygiene.
Previously: Date, Marry, Dump: The Avengers Edition