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Date, Marry, Dump: Hobbit Edition

In Film on December 17, 2012 at 7:01 am

Sarah T.

As a Tolkien ignoramus, I watched The Hobbit in a haze of appreciative semi-confusion. I thought the goblins were orcs. I thought Thorin was the same person as Thrain in the flashbacks. I couldn’t follow what-all Elron and Galadriel were going on about, although whether that was because they were being ethereally boring or because I was distracted by hair-envy on both counts is up for debate. “What do dragons want with gold anyway?” I whispered to my friend S., who explained that they liked to bathe in it, which: with that kind of conspicuous consumption, no wonder they went the way of Marie Antoinette.

I emerged from the movie certain of only two things. First, I want a pet hedgehog and I will call it Sebastian. Second, I know exactly who I would date, who I would marry, and who I would dump.

Date

Dwarves are short, grumbly types who are very good at choreographing rowdy “Be Our Guest”-style kitchen clean-ups, rocking that 80s hair band look, and eating entire wheels of cheese–men after my own heart. (Also, are there any girl dwarves? Is there just one, Smurfette style?) But while they are very cuddly, it became clear, watching them barge into poor Bilbo’s round-doored cottage one by one, that most of them are not ultra-romantically-attractive in the conventional sense. Attractive to me, I mean! A lid for every pot, etc.

But then The Hobbit threw me a curveball. Two curveballs, as a matter of fact, by the names of Fili and Kili:

Well hello there.

Come and knock on my door, I’ll be waiting for you.

“There are the cute dwarves,” I whispered to my neighbor, who agreed, particularly about the skinny dark-haired one on the right. But then. THEN! There’s a last knock at the door. “He is here,” Gandalf says dramatically. And a moment later we all understand why Gandalf was being all OMG-my-crush-just-walked-into-the-high-school-dance, because look at this face: Read the rest of this entry »